[At the very least, it's not much of a difference in sadness levels than she had when she walked out of the Voltron cottage.
Allura shakes her head again. If anyone should apologize, it is her. She gestures for Ann to follow her until they're out of her hearing range of the cottages before saying why.] Because I held him to the standard of Altean royalty and military leadership rather than a friend in grief. Keith took over leadership of the Paladins at a difficult time for all of us, and I pushed him. We all did.
[ ah...so that's what happened. the phantom thieves...are different, in that they trusted akira completely. but their circumstances are also vastly different in comparison to what voltron had to go through. ]
You guys are literally fighting a war to save the entire galaxy, aren't you? I don't know much about that sort of stuff, but I can only imagine you were all super pressed for time and...that's just what you felt was necessary, at the time.
...That's why you're so worried about him right now, isn't it? Is it because you think he's taking on too much by himself?
We are. [And that's exactly why she did it, but she also didn't take the time to talk to him privately. Now that she thinks about it.... had any of them?
... Yeah, she's going to need to talk to him later once they're done speaking.]
Yes. [She clasps her hands in front of her.] We are supposed to be a team and help one another; work together. Yet I see him spiraling just as I had when coming to terms that Coran, myself, and four mice were all that remained of our world.
Then...there's nothing wrong with reaching out, right?
[ she remembers the talk she had with him when she returned after disappearing. he promised he was going to try and open up, too. she hasn't forgotten that. ]
Keith told me he was going to do his best to open up to us. His friends. So...I don't think he'd turn you away, Allura. But you know him better than I do, so it's your call.
Just let me know if there's anything I can do to help.
[ well...she won't push it. she's too tired to do so, and she knows they've all been through hell and back. honestly...everything she just told allura--it's the most encouraging she's been in a while. ]
Yeah. [ she shifts a little. ] Nobody should be alone right now...right?
[ says the girl who holed herself up in her room. ]
Geez...and here I thought Shiro could do everything!
[ that right there? that's ann starting to sound a little more like herself again. ]
But...yeah. We could both use a day off.
[ her voice gets quiet again. she looks up at allura with sadness again...but there's sincerity. something warmer than the look she had in her eyes earlier. ] ...Thank you.
...Honestly? It might help. I'm not really good at, you know...talking about my feelings and stuff. But... I don't know if I can hold everything in anymore.
It isn't any trouble. I'm usually awake myself when I hear it.
[Why? She won't say, but it's probably easy to assume it's for a similar reason. Allura nods, and when they reach the cottage, she lets Ann slip in first.]
Um...right. So... [ she sort of fumbles around, trying to figure out where to start. ]
Maybe you know more about this--everything we went through--and it probably sounds really dumb, but-- [ this is a lot more difficult than she thought. her first instinct is to tell allura maybe now's a bad time and just leave, but no. she wants to fight it. she's tired of being alone. if she doesn't take this chance now, she may never get it again. ]
I...I don't know if I can ever use Carmen again, Allura. Not after everything that happened.
[Allura waits, offering quiet reassurances when Ann fumbles for words. She's far more used to hearing others spill their problems that it's a little difficult to handle someone less open. Yet it also makes her more appreciative of those that deal with her hangups, so she tries.
She has an even harder conversation coming, anyway.
She blinks, surprised when the confession spills out and she can't help the slight confusion in her gaze as well.]
[ the answer is immediate. quiet. it's barely there, but she says it. her voice is hushed, ashamed.
she closes her eyes and clenches her fists in her lap. ]
I can't--I can't live through that again. I don't want to relive through any of the other times, either. But the nightmares--they keep happening! And they just...they just won't stop...
[Allura says nothing at first, a stunned look written all over her face. Yet after the last few words, Allura gently tugs the shorter woman closer. That explains the burns and bullet scars, but she says nothing of it. Two of those she trusts most are scarred in similar and different ways. When her hand brushes against one of the burns, it and Ann's skin glow a pale cyan shade before she wraps her arms around her. It's not much, but the scars will be fainter at least.
Her suit hides her own scars. It's fine. No one needs to know they're there. Yet she can't find the words to tell her it will be okay. Instead, she can share a scar of another variety.]
For the longest time, I feared using my power as well. The last time I had used it, it was to transfer excess power from Voltron into Lotor's sinclines. [The way she says his name... there's so much there. Anger, pain, love, sorrow.] And to bring back someone precious to us.
I learned how to because of him, among so many other things... and I still hear his voice in my dreams. It hurts. [She wishes she could say the pain has dulled, but the illusion of his voice replays in her head when she's alone. Along with all the others.] It takes time, yet we have power for a reason. To destroy, to create, to defend... it took me a year of your time to figure out what it means for me.
Think on it for a while. Take your time. We're here for you, Ann.
[ she's stunned when her skin starts to glow. it reminds her of all those times she'd healed herself and the others with carmen's powers when the night terrors attacked. though carmen could never make the scars go away here, she could make them fainter. not as obvious to the naked eye. that...sometimes, that's enough.
allura's embrace catches her off-guard. she hadn't gotten a hug in so long. not since she hugged keith a day or two after she escaped her trial. she's quiet as she returns the embrace, and allura's words hit home.
we have power for a reason. to destroy, to create, to defend...
it wouldn't be the first time she's used hers for revenge. but ann knows that she can use carmen to help, too. and she has. but not in the trials. she will never forgive kamoshida; not even death will give him her mercy. he doesn't deserve that, for all the wrong he's done. maybe allura feels the same way about lotor. she'll never know.
but her lack of control is what got her killed, in the end. over and over again. ]
If there's one thing I learned from those trials, it's that I've been pretty naive this whole time. I thought I was strong. Sometimes I felt unstoppable. When things went wrong at home, the Phantom Thieves always figured out a way to pull through, time and time again. We always risked our lives in the Metaverse, but we lived through everything. We're people who've been wronged by society and looked for a way to reform it, and I think we were on the way to succeeding, last I remember.
But here... Things don't always have a happy ending. I was stupid enough to believe that the trials would. [ she sighs and closes her eyes. ] And none of the Phantom Thieves are here to bring me crepes, or make dumb jokes with me... I know I have you guys. But...I miss them.
[Allura is quiet until she stops. If she interrupts, Ann will likely stop.]
That's life, both the good and the bad. It's not stupid to hope for the best.
[Ah. Her cheeks are wet. Allura blinks before closing her eyes, willing the tears to stop.]
I miss my people too, but... you'll see your team again. [She'll only see those she knew in her dreams... and she knows tonight she'll likely have yet another dream involving quiet talks with her parents, reminiscing on better days. No, not better. She'd never trade knowing the Paladins of this generation for anything. Even if her heart aches for those lost to the sands of time and war.
Even Lotor. Though, she has to ask.] ...What are "crepes"?
Right...but I think I was pretty dumb to believe nothing really devastating would happen. You know?
[ even if that in itself isn't a bad thing, it was to the point where ann's blind faith didn't prepare her for the possibility of death. ]
...I hope so. [ if the gods would be so kind to let her return home, to a world where everyone's safe and sound... ] But... I'm lucky that the possibility even exists. [ her voice gets quiet. ] I'm sorry, Allura.
[ aaand there's the magic question. ann sniffles a bit before she pulls back. she sees that allura's been crying as well, and tries to offer her a small smile. ] Crepes are the most delicious food in the entire universe. I know that's a pretty weird thing to say because you're literally from another planet, but seriously, they're delicious. I'll see if I can make one for you one day. How about that?
[Alright, Allura had to give that one to her. It was a trial, after all. One does not simply expect it not to be trying at least in one sense. Allura had been more prepared even without the forward knowledge of what it was for. Looking back on it now, however... she can see it prodded directly at some of her weaknesses.]
Don't be. [She loosens her grip, a faint smile crossing her lips despite the tears.] I- have made my peace with it.
[Even though knowing that there are other Alteans out there somewhere in the vastness of space has left her frustrated that she can't do anything to find them. And not just because of arriving here, but she'll likely be hospitalized for some time since Earth has yet to develop healing pods yet...]
If it hadn't happened, I'd have never met my team... my family. And... I know exactly what would have happened had my father not sent me away.
[As much as their reality has problems, as much suffering as it has. At least it still has free will.] I'd like that.
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Allura shakes her head again. If anyone should apologize, it is her. She gestures for Ann to follow her until they're out of her hearing range of the cottages before saying why.] Because I held him to the standard of Altean royalty and military leadership rather than a friend in grief. Keith took over leadership of the Paladins at a difficult time for all of us, and I pushed him. We all did.
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You guys are literally fighting a war to save the entire galaxy, aren't you? I don't know much about that sort of stuff, but I can only imagine you were all super pressed for time and...that's just what you felt was necessary, at the time.
...That's why you're so worried about him right now, isn't it? Is it because you think he's taking on too much by himself?
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... Yeah, she's going to need to talk to him later once they're done speaking.]
Yes. [She clasps her hands in front of her.] We are supposed to be a team and help one another; work together. Yet I see him spiraling just as I had when coming to terms that Coran, myself, and four mice were all that remained of our world.
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[ she remembers the talk she had with him when she returned after disappearing. he promised he was going to try and open up, too. she hasn't forgotten that. ]
Keith told me he was going to do his best to open up to us. His friends. So...I don't think he'd turn you away, Allura. But you know him better than I do, so it's your call.
Just let me know if there's anything I can do to help.
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[But she's... kind of hesitant to? For her own reasons. Most of them being guilt lingering from the maze.]
The same goes for you as well, Ann. Whenever you want to talk, I will do my best to listen. [She owes her that much, at least. Especially after this.]
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Yeah. [ she shifts a little. ] Nobody should be alone right now...right?
[ says the girl who holed herself up in her room. ]
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[Guess who heard the whole "Minako isn't home" thing through the walls... and the sobs after. It's this lady.]
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[ who's silly? this girl. man, and after she told keith she'd start being more honest, too. what a mess. ]
I mean...if it's really cool with you... Maybe I should take you up on that.
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[And then, to make Ann feel at least a little better? She wiggles her ears slightly. No judgement. Just silly royal teenager things.
She's horrible at opening up to others, too.]
Besides, it's one more person keeping Shiro from the proverbial kitchen.
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[ that right there? that's ann starting to sound a little more like herself again. ]
But...yeah. We could both use a day off.
[ her voice gets quiet again. she looks up at allura with sadness again...but there's sincerity. something warmer than the look she had in her eyes earlier. ] ...Thank you.
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[Aaaand a little of self-depreciating acknowledgement! Wow, she's on a roll today. But it's worth it to hear Ann sound like her old self again.]
You listened to me go on. It is only fair I offer the same.
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[ :( ]
...Honestly? It might help. I'm not really good at, you know...talking about my feelings and stuff. But... I don't know if I can hold everything in anymore.
Let's get to the cottage first?
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[...Ah. Signs she has perhaps been around Lance too long. This.]
You and I both. [At least she finally admits it.] Alright. Fair warning, however. Keith and I have a rather acute sense of hearing.
[Aliens. She leads the way back.]
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It's fine. Keith would have found out from me eventually.
[ ...wait. she freezes up at that, after she gets a second to think about the "acute hearing" part. ]
...So...acute hearing, huh? I guess that means I need to apologize for all those times I woke up after having nightmares.
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Alright, and no. Though I had considered the propriety of coming over late at night with some tea if it continued.
[Nothing to apologize for; just Concern. Also a lot of bumbling around Earth's customs. How does one even.]
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[ you two... ]
Anyway... Let's go. I'll explain when we're inside.
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[Why? She won't say, but it's probably easy to assume it's for a similar reason. Allura nods, and when they reach the cottage, she lets Ann slip in first.]
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she'll step into the cottage, though. ]
Um...right. So... [ she sort of fumbles around, trying to figure out where to start. ]
Maybe you know more about this--everything we went through--and it probably sounds really dumb, but-- [ this is a lot more difficult than she thought. her first instinct is to tell allura maybe now's a bad time and just leave, but no. she wants to fight it. she's tired of being alone. if she doesn't take this chance now, she may never get it again. ]
I...I don't know if I can ever use Carmen again, Allura. Not after everything that happened.
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She has an even harder conversation coming, anyway.
She blinks, surprised when the confession spills out and she can't help the slight confusion in her gaze as well.]
May I ask why?
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[ the answer is immediate. quiet. it's barely there, but she says it. her voice is hushed, ashamed.
she closes her eyes and clenches her fists in her lap. ]
I can't--I can't live through that again. I don't want to relive through any of the other times, either. But the nightmares--they keep happening! And they just...they just won't stop...
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Her suit hides her own scars. It's fine. No one needs to know they're there. Yet she can't find the words to tell her it will be okay. Instead, she can share a scar of another variety.]
For the longest time, I feared using my power as well. The last time I had used it, it was to transfer excess power from Voltron into Lotor's sinclines. [The way she says his name... there's so much there. Anger, pain, love, sorrow.] And to bring back someone precious to us.
I learned how to because of him, among so many other things... and I still hear his voice in my dreams. It hurts. [She wishes she could say the pain has dulled, but the illusion of his voice replays in her head when she's alone. Along with all the others.] It takes time, yet we have power for a reason. To destroy, to create, to defend... it took me a year of your time to figure out what it means for me.
Think on it for a while. Take your time. We're here for you, Ann.
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allura's embrace catches her off-guard. she hadn't gotten a hug in so long. not since she hugged keith a day or two after she escaped her trial. she's quiet as she returns the embrace, and allura's words hit home.
we have power for a reason. to destroy, to create, to defend...
it wouldn't be the first time she's used hers for revenge. but ann knows that she can use carmen to help, too. and she has. but not in the trials. she will never forgive kamoshida; not even death will give him her mercy. he doesn't deserve that, for all the wrong he's done. maybe allura feels the same way about lotor. she'll never know.
but her lack of control is what got her killed, in the end. over and over again. ]
If there's one thing I learned from those trials, it's that I've been pretty naive this whole time. I thought I was strong. Sometimes I felt unstoppable. When things went wrong at home, the Phantom Thieves always figured out a way to pull through, time and time again. We always risked our lives in the Metaverse, but we lived through everything. We're people who've been wronged by society and looked for a way to reform it, and I think we were on the way to succeeding, last I remember.
But here... Things don't always have a happy ending. I was stupid enough to believe that the trials would. [ she sighs and closes her eyes. ] And none of the Phantom Thieves are here to bring me crepes, or make dumb jokes with me... I know I have you guys. But...I miss them.
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That's life, both the good and the bad. It's not stupid to hope for the best.
[Ah. Her cheeks are wet. Allura blinks before closing her eyes, willing the tears to stop.]
I miss my people too, but... you'll see your team again. [She'll only see those she knew in her dreams... and she knows tonight she'll likely have yet another dream involving quiet talks with her parents, reminiscing on better days. No, not better. She'd never trade knowing the Paladins of this generation for anything. Even if her heart aches for those lost to the sands of time and war.
Even Lotor. Though, she has to ask.] ...What are "crepes"?
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[ even if that in itself isn't a bad thing, it was to the point where ann's blind faith didn't prepare her for the possibility of death. ]
...I hope so. [ if the gods would be so kind to let her return home, to a world where everyone's safe and sound... ] But... I'm lucky that the possibility even exists. [ her voice gets quiet. ] I'm sorry, Allura.
[ aaand there's the magic question. ann sniffles a bit before she pulls back. she sees that allura's been crying as well, and tries to offer her a small smile. ] Crepes are the most delicious food in the entire universe. I know that's a pretty weird thing to say because you're literally from another planet, but seriously, they're delicious. I'll see if I can make one for you one day. How about that?
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Don't be. [She loosens her grip, a faint smile crossing her lips despite the tears.] I- have made my peace with it.
[Even though knowing that there are other Alteans out there somewhere in the vastness of space has left her frustrated that she can't do anything to find them. And not just because of arriving here, but she'll likely be hospitalized for some time since Earth has yet to develop healing pods yet...]
If it hadn't happened, I'd have never met my team... my family. And... I know exactly what would have happened had my father not sent me away.
[As much as their reality has problems, as much suffering as it has. At least it still has free will.] I'd like that.
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