Um...right. So... [ she sort of fumbles around, trying to figure out where to start. ]
Maybe you know more about this--everything we went through--and it probably sounds really dumb, but-- [ this is a lot more difficult than she thought. her first instinct is to tell allura maybe now's a bad time and just leave, but no. she wants to fight it. she's tired of being alone. if she doesn't take this chance now, she may never get it again. ]
I...I don't know if I can ever use Carmen again, Allura. Not after everything that happened.
[Allura waits, offering quiet reassurances when Ann fumbles for words. She's far more used to hearing others spill their problems that it's a little difficult to handle someone less open. Yet it also makes her more appreciative of those that deal with her hangups, so she tries.
She has an even harder conversation coming, anyway.
She blinks, surprised when the confession spills out and she can't help the slight confusion in her gaze as well.]
[ the answer is immediate. quiet. it's barely there, but she says it. her voice is hushed, ashamed.
she closes her eyes and clenches her fists in her lap. ]
I can't--I can't live through that again. I don't want to relive through any of the other times, either. But the nightmares--they keep happening! And they just...they just won't stop...
[Allura says nothing at first, a stunned look written all over her face. Yet after the last few words, Allura gently tugs the shorter woman closer. That explains the burns and bullet scars, but she says nothing of it. Two of those she trusts most are scarred in similar and different ways. When her hand brushes against one of the burns, it and Ann's skin glow a pale cyan shade before she wraps her arms around her. It's not much, but the scars will be fainter at least.
Her suit hides her own scars. It's fine. No one needs to know they're there. Yet she can't find the words to tell her it will be okay. Instead, she can share a scar of another variety.]
For the longest time, I feared using my power as well. The last time I had used it, it was to transfer excess power from Voltron into Lotor's sinclines. [The way she says his name... there's so much there. Anger, pain, love, sorrow.] And to bring back someone precious to us.
I learned how to because of him, among so many other things... and I still hear his voice in my dreams. It hurts. [She wishes she could say the pain has dulled, but the illusion of his voice replays in her head when she's alone. Along with all the others.] It takes time, yet we have power for a reason. To destroy, to create, to defend... it took me a year of your time to figure out what it means for me.
Think on it for a while. Take your time. We're here for you, Ann.
[ she's stunned when her skin starts to glow. it reminds her of all those times she'd healed herself and the others with carmen's powers when the night terrors attacked. though carmen could never make the scars go away here, she could make them fainter. not as obvious to the naked eye. that...sometimes, that's enough.
allura's embrace catches her off-guard. she hadn't gotten a hug in so long. not since she hugged keith a day or two after she escaped her trial. she's quiet as she returns the embrace, and allura's words hit home.
we have power for a reason. to destroy, to create, to defend...
it wouldn't be the first time she's used hers for revenge. but ann knows that she can use carmen to help, too. and she has. but not in the trials. she will never forgive kamoshida; not even death will give him her mercy. he doesn't deserve that, for all the wrong he's done. maybe allura feels the same way about lotor. she'll never know.
but her lack of control is what got her killed, in the end. over and over again. ]
If there's one thing I learned from those trials, it's that I've been pretty naive this whole time. I thought I was strong. Sometimes I felt unstoppable. When things went wrong at home, the Phantom Thieves always figured out a way to pull through, time and time again. We always risked our lives in the Metaverse, but we lived through everything. We're people who've been wronged by society and looked for a way to reform it, and I think we were on the way to succeeding, last I remember.
But here... Things don't always have a happy ending. I was stupid enough to believe that the trials would. [ she sighs and closes her eyes. ] And none of the Phantom Thieves are here to bring me crepes, or make dumb jokes with me... I know I have you guys. But...I miss them.
[Allura is quiet until she stops. If she interrupts, Ann will likely stop.]
That's life, both the good and the bad. It's not stupid to hope for the best.
[Ah. Her cheeks are wet. Allura blinks before closing her eyes, willing the tears to stop.]
I miss my people too, but... you'll see your team again. [She'll only see those she knew in her dreams... and she knows tonight she'll likely have yet another dream involving quiet talks with her parents, reminiscing on better days. No, not better. She'd never trade knowing the Paladins of this generation for anything. Even if her heart aches for those lost to the sands of time and war.
Even Lotor. Though, she has to ask.] ...What are "crepes"?
Right...but I think I was pretty dumb to believe nothing really devastating would happen. You know?
[ even if that in itself isn't a bad thing, it was to the point where ann's blind faith didn't prepare her for the possibility of death. ]
...I hope so. [ if the gods would be so kind to let her return home, to a world where everyone's safe and sound... ] But... I'm lucky that the possibility even exists. [ her voice gets quiet. ] I'm sorry, Allura.
[ aaand there's the magic question. ann sniffles a bit before she pulls back. she sees that allura's been crying as well, and tries to offer her a small smile. ] Crepes are the most delicious food in the entire universe. I know that's a pretty weird thing to say because you're literally from another planet, but seriously, they're delicious. I'll see if I can make one for you one day. How about that?
[Alright, Allura had to give that one to her. It was a trial, after all. One does not simply expect it not to be trying at least in one sense. Allura had been more prepared even without the forward knowledge of what it was for. Looking back on it now, however... she can see it prodded directly at some of her weaknesses.]
Don't be. [She loosens her grip, a faint smile crossing her lips despite the tears.] I- have made my peace with it.
[Even though knowing that there are other Alteans out there somewhere in the vastness of space has left her frustrated that she can't do anything to find them. And not just because of arriving here, but she'll likely be hospitalized for some time since Earth has yet to develop healing pods yet...]
If it hadn't happened, I'd have never met my team... my family. And... I know exactly what would have happened had my father not sent me away.
[As much as their reality has problems, as much suffering as it has. At least it still has free will.] I'd like that.
[ yep. and it's not that ann wasn't worried--far from that, actually--she just wasn't expecting to die five times.
which is entirely her fault, and her mistake. ann hates feeling sad and sorry for herself, but...maybe opening up to people is what she needs to move forward from this. she's never going to forget it--how can she?--but she can at least take steps in the right direction. talking to allura was a good decision.
it shows in how there's a small smile on her lips. it's the first time she's smiled in days. ]
You're so strong, Allura. Hearing you say that...it kind of reminds me of my best friend. Shiho went through a lot...but when I saw her last, she was making a recovery. She's still fighting...and so are you.
[ for ann to see shiho in someone is very high praise. ] I guess...sometimes we just need some messed up coincidences to happen in order to bring us closer to people, right? That's how I met the Phantom Thieves, after all, and now...they're family to me.
[ a short pause. her eyes turn into something a little warmer. she still feels gloomy, distant; but her admission is honest and filled with sincerity: ] You guys are starting to become that, too.
[That's fine. One does not simply expect to die. Especially multiple times.
Allura is relieved to see that faint smile crossing the other's lips. From the glimpses she's seen the past couple days, she hasn't seen much of any from her. Or at all, if she recalls correctly. But then, she hasn't really smiled for a little while either. Not an actual one. And, she wants to argue that she isn't strong. Say that she's broken inside and simply trying to mend on her own.
Yet that never works, does it? She shakes her head.] And you are as well. Sometimes we just need a little push to keep moving forward.
[She doesn't quite get the praise, but she understands it's important. One day.
Allura places a hand on Ann's shoulder and smiles faintly. She's not at her best either, but there is a small amount of warmth in her eyes.] I'm honored you think that. [She means it.] I feel the same way.
I don't know when things will get better...but you're right. It might take a few more pushes, but I'll get there. We all will.
[ eventually. she doesn't sound completely convinced, but she's trying her best. she's going to miss allura, keith, and the other paladins when (or if) she does return home. maybe they'll be the ones to leave, first. but...if there's anything this talk with allura has made her realize, it's that maybe...she's found another home someplace else in the universe, on a giant mech made up of sentient mechanical lions. it's a crazy thought. and...even if she doesn't remember her time here, she wants to keep this feeling with her--the feeling that there will always be a place for her in the stars.
a hand goes on top of allura's. her smile turns a little warmer. the scars will always be there, but she will heal. she will move forward from this. and she knows her heart will be lit aflame once more, in time. ]
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she'll step into the cottage, though. ]
Um...right. So... [ she sort of fumbles around, trying to figure out where to start. ]
Maybe you know more about this--everything we went through--and it probably sounds really dumb, but-- [ this is a lot more difficult than she thought. her first instinct is to tell allura maybe now's a bad time and just leave, but no. she wants to fight it. she's tired of being alone. if she doesn't take this chance now, she may never get it again. ]
I...I don't know if I can ever use Carmen again, Allura. Not after everything that happened.
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She has an even harder conversation coming, anyway.
She blinks, surprised when the confession spills out and she can't help the slight confusion in her gaze as well.]
May I ask why?
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[ the answer is immediate. quiet. it's barely there, but she says it. her voice is hushed, ashamed.
she closes her eyes and clenches her fists in her lap. ]
I can't--I can't live through that again. I don't want to relive through any of the other times, either. But the nightmares--they keep happening! And they just...they just won't stop...
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Her suit hides her own scars. It's fine. No one needs to know they're there. Yet she can't find the words to tell her it will be okay. Instead, she can share a scar of another variety.]
For the longest time, I feared using my power as well. The last time I had used it, it was to transfer excess power from Voltron into Lotor's sinclines. [The way she says his name... there's so much there. Anger, pain, love, sorrow.] And to bring back someone precious to us.
I learned how to because of him, among so many other things... and I still hear his voice in my dreams. It hurts. [She wishes she could say the pain has dulled, but the illusion of his voice replays in her head when she's alone. Along with all the others.] It takes time, yet we have power for a reason. To destroy, to create, to defend... it took me a year of your time to figure out what it means for me.
Think on it for a while. Take your time. We're here for you, Ann.
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allura's embrace catches her off-guard. she hadn't gotten a hug in so long. not since she hugged keith a day or two after she escaped her trial. she's quiet as she returns the embrace, and allura's words hit home.
we have power for a reason. to destroy, to create, to defend...
it wouldn't be the first time she's used hers for revenge. but ann knows that she can use carmen to help, too. and she has. but not in the trials. she will never forgive kamoshida; not even death will give him her mercy. he doesn't deserve that, for all the wrong he's done. maybe allura feels the same way about lotor. she'll never know.
but her lack of control is what got her killed, in the end. over and over again. ]
If there's one thing I learned from those trials, it's that I've been pretty naive this whole time. I thought I was strong. Sometimes I felt unstoppable. When things went wrong at home, the Phantom Thieves always figured out a way to pull through, time and time again. We always risked our lives in the Metaverse, but we lived through everything. We're people who've been wronged by society and looked for a way to reform it, and I think we were on the way to succeeding, last I remember.
But here... Things don't always have a happy ending. I was stupid enough to believe that the trials would. [ she sighs and closes her eyes. ] And none of the Phantom Thieves are here to bring me crepes, or make dumb jokes with me... I know I have you guys. But...I miss them.
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That's life, both the good and the bad. It's not stupid to hope for the best.
[Ah. Her cheeks are wet. Allura blinks before closing her eyes, willing the tears to stop.]
I miss my people too, but... you'll see your team again. [She'll only see those she knew in her dreams... and she knows tonight she'll likely have yet another dream involving quiet talks with her parents, reminiscing on better days. No, not better. She'd never trade knowing the Paladins of this generation for anything. Even if her heart aches for those lost to the sands of time and war.
Even Lotor. Though, she has to ask.] ...What are "crepes"?
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[ even if that in itself isn't a bad thing, it was to the point where ann's blind faith didn't prepare her for the possibility of death. ]
...I hope so. [ if the gods would be so kind to let her return home, to a world where everyone's safe and sound... ] But... I'm lucky that the possibility even exists. [ her voice gets quiet. ] I'm sorry, Allura.
[ aaand there's the magic question. ann sniffles a bit before she pulls back. she sees that allura's been crying as well, and tries to offer her a small smile. ] Crepes are the most delicious food in the entire universe. I know that's a pretty weird thing to say because you're literally from another planet, but seriously, they're delicious. I'll see if I can make one for you one day. How about that?
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Don't be. [She loosens her grip, a faint smile crossing her lips despite the tears.] I- have made my peace with it.
[Even though knowing that there are other Alteans out there somewhere in the vastness of space has left her frustrated that she can't do anything to find them. And not just because of arriving here, but she'll likely be hospitalized for some time since Earth has yet to develop healing pods yet...]
If it hadn't happened, I'd have never met my team... my family. And... I know exactly what would have happened had my father not sent me away.
[As much as their reality has problems, as much suffering as it has. At least it still has free will.] I'd like that.
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which is entirely her fault, and her mistake. ann hates feeling sad and sorry for herself, but...maybe opening up to people is what she needs to move forward from this. she's never going to forget it--how can she?--but she can at least take steps in the right direction. talking to allura was a good decision.
it shows in how there's a small smile on her lips. it's the first time she's smiled in days. ]
You're so strong, Allura. Hearing you say that...it kind of reminds me of my best friend. Shiho went through a lot...but when I saw her last, she was making a recovery. She's still fighting...and so are you.
[ for ann to see shiho in someone is very high praise. ] I guess...sometimes we just need some messed up coincidences to happen in order to bring us closer to people, right? That's how I met the Phantom Thieves, after all, and now...they're family to me.
[ a short pause. her eyes turn into something a little warmer. she still feels gloomy, distant; but her admission is honest and filled with sincerity: ] You guys are starting to become that, too.
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Allura is relieved to see that faint smile crossing the other's lips. From the glimpses she's seen the past couple days, she hasn't seen much of any from her. Or at all, if she recalls correctly. But then, she hasn't really smiled for a little while either. Not an actual one. And, she wants to argue that she isn't strong. Say that she's broken inside and simply trying to mend on her own.
Yet that never works, does it? She shakes her head.] And you are as well. Sometimes we just need a little push to keep moving forward.
[She doesn't quite get the praise, but she understands it's important. One day.
Allura places a hand on Ann's shoulder and smiles faintly. She's not at her best either, but there is a small amount of warmth in her eyes.] I'm honored you think that. [She means it.] I feel the same way.
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[ eventually. she doesn't sound completely convinced, but she's trying her best. she's going to miss allura, keith, and the other paladins when (or if) she does return home. maybe they'll be the ones to leave, first. but...if there's anything this talk with allura has made her realize, it's that maybe...she's found another home someplace else in the universe, on a giant mech made up of sentient mechanical lions. it's a crazy thought. and...even if she doesn't remember her time here, she wants to keep this feeling with her--the feeling that there will always be a place for her in the stars.
a hand goes on top of allura's. her smile turns a little warmer. the scars will always be there, but she will heal. she will move forward from this. and she knows her heart will be lit aflame once more, in time. ]
Thank you.